As a child, I dreamed of becoming “Materialistically successful “! When those uncles and aunties would ask me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I would have said I would make a lot more money for myself, have a big house, a grand car, and go all around the luxurious places. They would pat my head and pull my chicks.

Then I started saying I wanted to become a House maker (do not refer to homemaker). I was not aware of the terms Architect, Interior Designer, Builder, or Engineer, because I liked to sketch houses – on the top of the mountain, in the jungle, by the waterfalls, at the beach side! I certainly didn’t want to become a doctor because I had trypanophobia, slapping my family doctor most of the time he would check and give me injections. I certainly didn’t want a slap on my face from a toddler if I became a doctor. Neither did I want to become some chartered professional, for that just kinda sounded too boring to plan for the lifelong adventure, they smiled then.

During my adolescence, they would ask the same question with an addition – how about something that you could continue after marriage? My reply was still unchanged and I didn’t want marriage! That was never the plan! They would laugh and say, you will!

After completing my post-grads I started working to make money and to progress, and in a short period, I started receiving appreciation letters, and promotions boosting my confidence and ego. During this time, I had found love, which faded, maybe because I was not on a parallel ground with the one! I still kept sketching, and scribbling, and started exploring life through the viewfinder of the camera! And suddenly, I realized I was stressed most of the time to get my material needs fulfilled! I was neither happy nor Peaceful! I had to pause; I had to search for what I wanted the most, if not this. I think it was that pen and paper in my hand then that told me that I wanted to be an artist painting, sketching, interior designing, photographing, a free soul roaming around, exploring places and stories of people, search for love, wonder in the imaginations, and build some beautiful memories for self, for people! It was always there, and I was the stupid one running behind the Mirage?! They said I was crazy!

Time has been wonderful; I can feel “me” fade beyond myself! The “things” needed, the “things” desired are changing! Now my art earns my bills and I feel more fulfilled. I do not have a Porsche, but I can still go around places in my mini car or public transport, I do not have my own house but have a home with people waiting for me with warmth in their hearts, I do not have a big circle of people to party every night but I can still get crazy little arse with a tiny celebrated group of buddies I can count on any hour. I do not have a constant ringing phone nor am I too attached or responsive to all social media, in fact a phone phobic, but I do enjoy sitting alone or with someone sharing coffee or food, and chatting over things for endless hours!  Yes, a companion is missing, a kid is missing, not for social pleasure or to receive “special treatment” but to give love, to fulfill the motherhood I know I have in me, but maybe the rotten side needs some more healing! Maybe more ego has to be altered, maybe more damage has to be healed!

The more I lose myself, the more I come closer to me! Learning and fighting confusion between the mirage and reality has been The essence! You don’t find shadows during fall under the dry tree, either u walk till you reach the tree full of leaves or wait under the dry tree until the springs!